OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just saw a hot homeless man
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
