I hate all girls vehemently.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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