The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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