Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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