i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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