She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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