Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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