So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
How external is "for external use only"?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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