Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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