Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
