I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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