im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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