Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
