Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
