My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
