I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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