Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
