EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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