"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
