This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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