i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I have feelings that need drinking.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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