Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
