You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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