I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
