he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
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