dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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