Only a mothe r could love this liver
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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