Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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