I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
