Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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