my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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