Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
