i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
