Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
