she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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