Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
