then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
