I can text with my tongue
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
