theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
