the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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