why didn't you poke me back
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
