Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
