omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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