i just had sex bonerless
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
