so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
