Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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