So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
