I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
