I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize