i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
