Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Dear god my vagina.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
