i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
