make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
