Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
