I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
