I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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