His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
