got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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